Meant For So Much More
by Nuwanda
Summary: The night Voldemort fell was a time for celebration...but not for two men. The death of their friends was still cold and raw when Remus Lupin and Sirius Black learned the meaning of betrayal...and lost all that was important to them. Hinted slashiness.


**A/N:**  Yeah…so I'm putting out a lot of HP fics lately, most of them involving Remus/Sirius slashy goodness.  So deal with it.  I love those two together.  So here's another one I've been working on.  Hopefully you'll get more of it soon…if you _review_, that is!  wink wink, nudge nudge

**DISCLAIMER:**  I own no part of Harry Potter, especially not Remus or Sirius.  I do not own Hagrid's crazy accent, which I imitated here.  I do not own Switchfoot or their song "Meant to Live."

**CLAIMER:**  Nothing.  I own nothing.  There, I've said it….are you happy now?  Are you happy that you deprived me of any sense of pride I had?!  HUH?!?! HUH?!?!?!?!?  Ahem.  I'm better now.

**DEDICATION:**  This one's also for Nikki, who appreciates the HP slash…even though she paired Sirius with JAMES, and I pair Sirius with REMUS, as it should be…oh well.  She's tough.  She can take it.  ;D

Fumbling his confidence   
And wond'ring why the world has passed him by   
Hoping that he's meant for more than arguments   
And failed attempts to fly, fly  
  
Dreaming about Providence  
And whether mice or men have second tries   
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open   
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken   
  
We want more than this world's got to offer   
We want more than this world's got to offer   
We want more than the wars of our fathers   
And everything inside screams for second life

_We were meant to live for so much more   
Have we lost ourselves?   
Somewhere we live inside   
Somewhere we live inside   
We were meant to live for so much more   
Have we lost ourselves?   
Somewhere we live inside_

In a worn old house, a man sat at his desk, surrounded by books, his face in his hands as he took a few moments of much needed sleep.  His long hair was in disarray, his fingers splayed over his face as though he were crying.  Suddenly, the fire flared up, turning emerald green, and the man at the desk was immediately at attention, hands away from his face as he stared in apprehension at the fireplace.  A man appeared in the fireplace…a tall man with thinning red hair.

"Arthur?" Remus Lupin said, concern written in his voice.  Arthur was out of breath.

"Remus…" he panted, eyes wide with exhilaration and yet a strange sort of sadness.  "It's happened!"

"WHAT's happened?"

            Arthur took a deep breath.  "He has fallen!"

            Remus' eyes widened.  "Voldemort?!"

            "Don't SAY that!"

            "Sorry."  Remus was ecstatic.  "Well, that's WONDERFUL!  What in God's name d'you look so _upset _about, Arthur?"

            Mr. Weasley took yet another deep breath.  "He…he made one last stop before his death….went to one more house…"

            Remus felt terror suddenly blossoming in the pit of his stomach, gnawing at his gut.

            "He…he's killed the Potters," Arthur whispered.

            Remus sat frozen in his chair, hands gripping the corners of his desk tightly, eyes wide with shocked horror.  The thing he had been dreading had actually come to pass….and, with the usual irony that his life always seemed fraught with, they had died the same night that Voldemort had vanished, the same night they would have been safe and free.

            "Remus?" Arthur asked, his voice nervous.

            Remus found it hard to speak.  "H….Harry, too?"

            "No."  Arthur shook his head and Remus felt a tiny bit of relief wash over him.  It was bad enough for his two best friends to die.  At least their infant child lived on.  "No one knows exactly what happened, Remus.  You Know Who tried to kill Harry…but…he failed…for some reason, he just couldn't do it.  There was something about that child that he just couldn't figure out…and his power bounced back on him….and…he vanished."

            Remus sighed in relief…and then a new dread grew in his mind.  "Where is the child?!" he demanded.

            "Hagrid has him…he is taking him to Dumbledore.  I believe that Sirius wanted to take Harry…since he's the boy's godfather, you know…but Dumbledore wanted-"

            "_Sirius_!"  Remus was on his feet in an instant, striding over the fire, practically shoving Mr. Weasley out of the way.

            "Remus…where're you-"

            But Remus had already thrown a handful of Floo powder into the fire.  "The Leaky Cauldron!" he said.  Within seconds he had vanished from sight, leaving Arthur behind, staring forlornly at the now dying fire.

            A big, burly man with wild hair stepped out the front door of a perfectly ordinary looking house, clutching a baby close to his chest and whispering softly to it.  "Shhh, it's okay, Harry."  A noise caught his attention and he looked up in time to see a motorcycle roar out of the sky to land in front of him, skidding to a stop.  "Sirius!" Hagrid exclaimed, surprised.

            A tall, slim man slid shakily off the motorcycle and walked over to Hagrid.  His chin length black hair was a wild mess, his face pale as a sheet.  His dark eyes were filled with a mixture of wildness and anger, and yet a sadness that Hagrid had never seen before.  Tears streamed from his eyes, dried already in distinctive tracks down his face.  "Hagrid," he said, his voice catching.  "Are…are they in there?"

            Hagrid managed a nod.  "Yeah," he said gruffly, voice thick with emotion.  "They are, if yeh want ter see them one last time."

            Sirius took a deep breath and then plunged into the house.  He saw nothing in the front, so he went straight upstairs.  Lily was in the first room on the right, sprawled across the floor, her long red hair shining in the soft light, her face still as lovely as it had ever been.  He knelt slowly down, reaching out a hand to trace across one pale cheek.  Her beautiful green eyes stared up at him and he felt his eyes begin burning again.  He placed a fingertip over each of her eyes, closing them so that he didn't have to look into them and be reminded of how beautiful those eyes were, of all the times she had smiled at him when he had done something stupid just to make her laugh, of the look in her eyes the day she married James, that happiness, the tears of joy as she stared at her soon-to-be husband, at the man she wanted to spend forever with.  And there would be no forever for them now.

            Leaning forwards, Sirius pressed a soft kiss to Lily's forehead.  "Goodbye, Lily," he whispered.  "You're an amazing woman, and you don't know just how much it's meant for me to know you."  He stood, fingers tracing across her cheek one last time, and turned away, eyes shut tight against the burning in his eyes.

            The rest of the rooms upstairs were empty, and Sirius began to despair of finding James at all.  _Am I going to be denied even one last look at him?_  _Am I going to be refused a goodbye?  _He turned the corner back into the kitchen and froze where he was.  Sprawled just around the corner was James.  _How did I miss him before?  _Sirius felt a strange warmth on his face and realized that he was crying.  All strength seemed to leave him and his knees gave away.  He collapsed to his knees beside the body of his friend.  James stared up at him, wide eyes unusually bare without the glasses that usually framed them.  _Where're his glasses?  _Sirius searched the floor around him.  "Where are his damn _glasses_?!"  For some reason it seemed vitally important to find them.  Tears began to fall faster as he searched frantically for the insignificant item.  Finally he found them, half under the stove.  _They must have fallen off when…when…  _Sirius picked up the glasses and slowly replaced them, sliding them gently into place with shaking hands.  "There you are, James…could never do a thing without them, could you?"  He forced a weak laugh but it soon died.  "Oh, _James_!"  He began weeping anew, forehead resting on the chest of his best friend, fingers clutching at James' sweater.  Moments later, he got his tears under control and sat up.  Sliding his fingers under James' glasses, he slid his friend's eyes shut and, leaning forward, pressed a kiss to James' cheek, at the corner of his mouth.  This one was longer than the kiss he had given Lily, more lingering, more emotion to it.  Sitting up, he took one last look at the man who had been his closest friend for so many years now.  "Goodbye, James."  Unlike with Lily, Sirius did not find it easy to come up with words to express his feelings to James.  _How do you compress over ten years of friendship into two or three sentences?  _Staring down at the pale face of his best friend, Sirius found the words easier than he would have thought.  "I love you."

            Hagrid looked up from the small bundle which was Harry as he heard the door open.  Sirius stepped out, tears drying on his cheeks, and shut the door firmly behind him.  Hagrid nodded encouragingly, his own eyes looking fairly teary, the nod obviously a replacement for the words Hagrid could not bring himself to speak.

            "Here," Sirius said, arms outstretched.  "Give Harry to me, Hagrid."

            "Eh?" Hagrid was surprised.

            "I'm his godfather," Sirius said, still holding out his hands.  "I'll look after him."

            Hagrid stared at Sirius for a moment as though contemplating it, then shook his big, scruffy head.  "No," he said, "Dumbledore said Harry is ter go to his aunt an' uncle's."

            "But I'm his godfather," Sirius argued.  "James and Lily said I was supposed to take him if anything happened to him.  That's what 'godfather' _means_, Hagrid!"

            Again Hagrid shook his head.  "Dumbledore said he has ter go to his aunt an' uncle's," he repeated.

            Sirius sighed, anger on his face.  "FINE," he said, "fine.  Take him, then."  Hagrid turned to go.  "Wait!"

            Hagrid turned back to Sirius.  "Yeah?"

            "Just…let me say goodbye to him."

            Hagrid's face seemed to crumple with renewed sadness as he handed over the small bundle of child.  Sirius took Harry in his arms and held him close, peering into the bundle.  The small child stared up at him, wide green eyes looking so much like Lily's that it pained Sirius.  But the rest of the face looked as if, when Harry grew into it, it would be a carbon copy of James'.  Sirius felt like crying again, so he leaned forwards and kissed the child, his lips to the lightning bolt scar on the boy's forehead.    Taking one last look, he handed the boy back to Hagrid.  "Here," he muttered, voice catching in his throat.  "Hagrid…take my motorcycle."

            Hagrid looked surprised.  "Yeh sure, Sirius?  Yeh love that thing!"

            "Yeah, I'm sure," Sirius said.  "I won't need it anymore."  He stared into the night sky.  "Not where I'm going."

            "Kay," Hagrid said, still sounding unsure.  "Thanks, Sirius."  Without another word, Hagrid climbed onto the motorcycle (which was a little too small for him) and rode off into the night, Harry clutched close to his chest, waving at Sirius as he rode off.  Sirius didn't wave back.  He didn't even notice.  His eyes focused on the dark clouds, narrowing in anger.  He knew what he had to do, and he knew where he would most likely end up.  Unless everything worked out exactly as he hoped, he was about to go to Azkaban.  _But it_ will_ work out, _he thought stubbornly.  _It _will.  "Peter," he growled. 

            The sky lightened and he stirred himself out of his reverie.  He had to get going.  It would be light soon, and he had a lot to do before it was mid-afternoon.  Places to go, people to see…rats to catch.  Transforming into a large black dog, Sirius took off running.  He had to reach the city by noontime.

tbc

Leave a review you must….else write more I cannot.

Mmmm…Yoda-rific.


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